If these words could breathe for me

Have you ever missed someone you know you no longer want in your life? You miss them, but it’s less about missing them as a human being, but rather the things they did that made you feel human. There are so many things I don’t miss about you. I could list them all day. But I do miss the way you hugged me when I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. You reminded me that even when I didn’t love myself, you still did. We used to make fun of the types of couples that would sit around on their phones and gloat about how it was clear that they could not possibly love each other nearly as much as we did. We believed in saying I love you before going to bed and never leaving the house without kissing goodbye. You taught me how important it was to move forward, not to forget the past, but to learn from it. I spent such a long time thinking no one could ever love me as much as you did. That thought consumed every ounce of love we had and wrapped itself around me so tightly that the strangled breaths between each kiss we took wasted both the empty efforts to stay together and the illusion of full lungs and a heavy beating heart. You went from everything to nothing.


I write our vows

I write our vows

In my head

More often than I’d like to admit

I go on about how

I could spend the rest of my life

Trying to decipher you

And spend every moment

Finding you in

Every nook and cranny

Of the halls

Of my heart

And of my mind

I mention how your eyes

Remind me of chocolate milk

And how your lips

Remind me that

Even words can feel like home

I talk about how

I still can’t

And may never

Look back and be able to string along

How this happened

How this simple, simple thing

Wrapped me up in a feeling so big

I boast about every challenge

The ones we’ve faced

And the ones I’ve learned to jump through

With you

But most of all

Between all the love and warmth

I promise to dedicate

Each last poem to you

I love you

These words

They pool at the tip of my tongue

Like a language I once knew

But have somehow forgotten

They swim in fear

Unknowing of the dam

On the brink of breaking

Even though breaking

Is all the words have known

They float on hopes

But sink with the weight

Of every lost moment

And every moment that will not come

These words

They feel like magic

And pain rolled into

One simple sentence

So complex that they carry

Every question unasked

Every comfort untouched

And every chance left behind

These words are heavy

These words are light

These words are embedded

In the flow of every stream

And every rock in the way

These words

They belong in waterworks

The ones that navigate our touch

Not the ones

That push forward our tears

They are rain after a drought

And your laughter once it has cleared

They are the moon and the sun

And the tides that bring us here

And yet

These words

They pool at the tip of my tongue

Like a language I once knew

But have somehow forgotten


In your arms

My head says danger

But my heart feels right at home

I’m on the brink of rebellion

I’ll run away alone

You’re the antithesis of my nightmares

And the touch behind each moan

I’m drowning in these mounds of hope

But my fear is etched in stone

You’re next to me in this moment

But I’ll end up on my own

I’ve never walked before I run

From the start I’ve always flown

Somehow you’ve become a destination

A path I’ve always known

But I’m surrounded by this darkness

And your light is rarely shown

So how do I move forward?

How is the past outgrown?

Tell me the solution

Guide me to my own backbone

Because it doesn’t matter if there’s danger

If with you it feels like home

A letter to me

If I could

I’d write a letter

And send it to a young me at just the right age

Before everything gets real

And after I know how real the world can be

I’d say

“You’re here for a reason

You’re going to kick ass

And take names

And fall in love much faster than you’ll fall out of love”

I’d remind myself to read books

And never stop

Not even when my wrists hurt

or the paper cuts covered my fingers

But I’d also tell myself to explore the world

Every crevice

Every corner

And every line

Should be crossed, encountered, and endured

I’d make sure to stress how important it is

To break down walls

But also how important it is to build them up

I wouldn’t give anything away

Because every mistake is a lesson learned

And sometimes you have to bend rules until they break

And I’ll tell myself that, too.

But most of all,

I’ll tell myself

“be strong

Because this world is a tough one

And the easy times come

And they go

And sometimes everyone gets just a little bit stuck

But there is life

Beyond the rocks and hard places

And once you find that thing

That makes you smile more than anything in the




You have to hold on to it

Even after you let go of your mother’s hand

And you can’t try

to let it go

And see if it floats back like a feather

Or any other stupid quote you’ll find online

Because even though it probably will

Giving up will always hurt more than holding on”

I would,


Let myself know

that not all of those quotes are half bad

Especially not that one about life going on

Because life does go on

And nights come quick as days pass

And people cry as much as they laugh

And the rain will fall

As soon as you think the sun will shine

And good things will come in 3s

And bad things will seem like they come in 3000s

But when it’s all said and done

Everything will be okay

Every war will end

And every star will shine

And every tear that falls will eventually dry

I’d tell myself

To love everything

And everyone

But most importantly

To love me

Because it’s not vain

Or conceited

Or cruel

To ensure that the person you become

Is the person you want to be

I’d say

“Say what you mean

And mean what you say

Because the moment you stop doing that

Is the moment you stop being

The only version of you

That you should be”

I’d tell myself that it’s okay to be afraid of the dark

And dream with the stars

And even to fall in love

Because that’s how life needs to be

And at the end of it all

I’d say

“You’re beautiful”

Not so I can grow to be full of myself

But so I start to believe it’s true

So not a single person

No matter who they are

Can take that away

I’d say goodbye with a wistful,

Yours Truly

And a PS,

I Love You

And before I seal the letter with a kiss

I’ll stick in that quote

About life going on

And have faith

That young me will come through