The real estate market is crowded
Yet somehow you live in my mind
rent free
Beside the bills, the bedroom, and the broken clock
Sit the borrowed moments and misread signs
The desire to run my finger down your back
And the starved feeling that you’ll never be mine
The space is big and messy
There’s barely room to breathe
I’m hoarding all these memories
That don’t even let me see
I have always lived my life in capital letters
dotted i’s
and perfectly crossed t’s.
I am a small girl
With a loud voice
That I felt necessary to carry
Across rooms
Like the weight on my shoulders
As if shouting into the void
with meticulously crafted sentences
would somehow guide me home
But you taught me
the power and importance
of a lower case
i love you
The very real difference
Between being lonely
And being alone
You took my mumbled metaphors
And siphoned them
Into poetry
I did not speak English before I met you
I merely made sounds that resembled words
My Spanish consisted of fragmented attempts
Originally designed to describe how I feel
You taught me how to leave behind my pencil and eraser
Loving you gave me the gift
To put down on paper
The words I held
but couldn’t pronounce
You spelled them out in pen
and didn’t let me scratch out my mistakes
You said
There’s beauty in the struggle
And proceeded to paint our life in colors
I didn’t even know existed
Suddenly the penmanship I took years to perfect
Stood between silent pictures worth 10 thousand words
Narrated by letters written in italics and bold
Animated by a muted muse
Together
The silhouette of the greatest love story ever told
Good morning
Please forgive me
I didn’t realize it was unprofessional to walk into the office and not greet everyone.
Of course I want to be here
It won’t happen again
Good morning
I didn’t sleep well last night
I’m afraid of the dark
And there was an extension cord
Wrapped around my neck
So tightly it almost reached
But the outlet was too far away to turn on the light
Good morning
I’m late because I couldn’t get out of bed
I was awake
But I couldn’t bring myself to stand in front of the mirror
I make eye contact with my biggest nightmare every time I brush my teeth
That person is someone I don’t recognize
But they remind me of someone I once knew
Good morning
I can’t go today because I have nothing to wear
Everything I own stretches so thin
I can’t even breathe in my own skin
I am unable to inhale the three deep breaths Im supposed to take to calm down
Because I think the last button will burst
And everything around me will come falling down
I think it’s safer if I just stay home
Good morning
I showed up today
But I left after approximately 6 minutes
Because I remembered an unkindness from 6 years ago
And couldn’t imagine things could be any better
Good morning
The people I love
Told me to “think happy thoughts”
So I arrived with a smile filled with plastic promises
And cried into my lunch
Good morning
I want to apologize for my outburst earlier
Sometimes I don’t realize what I’m saying
Because all I hear is nails on a chalk board as soon as I open my mouth
Everything’s easier when I just stay quiet
Good morning
I drank a gallon of water
Because they told me it would produce positivity
The whole time
I hoped I would drown
Good morning
I’m afraid you might think I’m suicidal
That’s truly not the case
I don’t have any special inclination towards my death
I just don’t think it would matter much if it happened
Good morning
I laughed at a joke today
See? Told you everything was fine
Good morning
Does 3am count as morning or is it still night?
Good morning
Do you ever feel the very heavy weight of your own insignificance?
Good morning
Can you help me get this ten pound rock off my chest so I can breathe?
Good morning
I have to cancel
I don’t have a reason
Except for the fact that the first time I told my mom I wasn’t okay
She told me I had too much time on my hands and I should go find a hobby
I still haven’t found one yet
Good morning
I can’t make it today
The unsolicited advice of strangers has begun to nick my wrists
And each time a friend tells me I’ll be okay
I start a game of Russian roulette
Every chamber is loaded
And for once,
For once I’m not afraid
I don’t like to sleep alone
I wish I could say
It’s because I miss you
But really, I’m in mourning
Here lies
The person I wish I was
Alongside
The person I once knew
Resting in pieces
I have nightmares about the way they died
My open eyes imagine a quick and painless death
But once the sun sets
And the skies are deeper than my heart can sink
An organ plays to the tune of
a messy car crash on what was supposed to be an adventure
Armed robbery when all we wanted was a taste of something sweet
Dumb luck
Or really just the lack thereof
Im losing sleep over counting sheep
And the number of ways I ended up like this
Was it
The fathers warmth I never knew
Tucked in beneath a goodnight kiss
And I love you
Or the tainted touch
I received in turn
Broken arms reaching for a perfect picture
That I will never be able to paint
Instead I have a photo book of flashbacks
A live action replay behind each blink
Exploited by a film I never chose to star in
Is it still revenge porn if I’m the only person watching?
Did I die then each night in the dark?
Is this when I started to stay up all night reading?
Just ten more minutes
I want to reread my favorite part
And after that I’ll count the stars
One
Two
Three
Ten more years I’ll play this game
Is this really how my cards were dealt?
I’m losing to the girl I knew
From the grave
Her laughter sings
I lie awake in callous envy
Immobile and afraid of the night
Her bright smile will forever haunt me
Because I can’t even turn on the light
I believe life should be lived in poetry
Uneven stanzas
And misaligned rhymes
The perfect rhythm to carry it all through
Your words and mine
Breed a song
No music could measure up to
And In between the lines
Is the only place
The person I am
And the person I want to be
Can meet
Each comma carries the burden
Only our hearts can bare
But we put it on to paper
With only moments left to spare
As if our souls are running out of ink
And the pages are burning up
Because these words
Hold so much power
But they’re too often left untouched
I lie awake at night
Tangled between the sheets
With two mistresses
I did not agree to get in bed with.
Partners in crime.
A matching set.
Anxiety and insomnia
Fill the room with noise
Silence can barely compete
Anxiety places a blender behind my eyes
Insomnia presses “Chop” Every time they start to close
Anxiety pours the words
Within my skull
Demanding them to be written
While tying my hands behind my back
Insomnia is the drum
Beating to remind me
That while I may fill the glass
It will never be enough
Anxiety drives my car to work
With a gun to my head
After insomnia handcuffs
A piece of me to my bed
Always leaving a part of me
Not miles away from where I am
But just out of reach
I’m held hostage by this life
Pulled between the person I am
And the person I want to be
Anxiety is the mean girl in high school
But not the blatant bully
The one that disguises herself as my friend
Her eyes are sharp for imperfection
Every glance is a poignant blade
Against each pound I should have never gained
She smiles at my jokes and claims them as her own
Because her delivery is always spot on
She flirts with the boys I like
And winks in my direction
To let me know the world is hers for the taking
Her criticism is posed as constructive
But every poised point of her finger
Is a bulldozer to my self esteem
Insomnia is the cruel whisper behind my back
Reminding me that I didn’t have any self esteem to begin with
I graduated six years ago
But they’re the only friends that stick around
I can’t afford to let them go
I’m think they’ll be holding hands at my funeral
Toasting to the memory of me that they helped destroy
Anxiety and Insomnia
Partners in crime
A matching set
I can’t tell who’s the bigger bitch
I write poetry in my head
So often
That the words down on paper
No longer make sense
How is it possible
That our foundation is so cracked?
I’m scrambling to fill in
All the holes
But I’m left with terrain
So uneven
I can’t take a step
Without twisting my ankle
I resent you for this house you’ve built
How is it supposed to feel like a home
When I can’t even sleep
Insomnia
Insomnia wraps its arms around me
Like my grandfathers deceit
My disgust is only paramount
Because no one else can hear it
But that’s what I get
For writing words
That take twists and turns
Within my ears
But never escape my lips
How can I escape my heartache?
Is there an exit plan to this life?
See, I have a theory
I have a theory that
The world must hold the same amount of pain at all times
It’s a balancing act
And when I rise on the scale
Someone else falls
So today I feel like a savior
A product of love and loss
Because I’ll hold in all of this chaos
Just to see you smile
My internal conflict
Lies between the sheets of our bed
I am incapable of two things
Writing my words
And sleeping alone
Where does your head rest
Amongst this mess?
My mother is an artist
So growing up
Our walls were hand coated
With a million strokes of memories
The paint that spilled from laughing too hard
The quote that was almost misspelled
The flower that was painted over
When my head aged faster than my heart
Now bare walls give me anxiety
I am surrounded by blank canvases
The expansive nothingness
Makes this room feel like a chokehold
Each poster is like a bandaid
When what I need is fresh skin
A new view
A new vision
A new thought
A new breath of life
Painted on with warmth
And even coats of hope
But these walls are forever empty
The brushes meant
For every detailed design
Are just out of reach
I used to fight sleep on every plane ride
As if closing my eyes for a split second
Meant that I would miss
The most important part
At night
When the building lights flickered
The whole world seemed upside down
But there wasn’t a single star in the sky
That could match the bright lights below
The constellations on the ground
Were made up of so much more
Than a comet’s wish
They pointed to a direction
So close, yet so far
From a thousand feet up
Every town was free of clouded judgement
The price of their utopia
Was my tainted view
But I could afford it
For the glimmer of hope in each home
thoughtvomit 